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May/June 2006 Column
This issue’s “Daily Practice” column focuses on an activity that is central to our daily lives – listening to our fellow humans – yet is something that we may not always practice with intentionality and openness. -Ed. Compassionate Listening is a process of “listening our way to wholeness.” We believe that peace comes through the hard work of meeting one’s enemy – the human being behind the stereotype – and acknowledging one another’s suffering. Compassionate Listening as a tool for reconciliation is based on a simple yet profound formula for the resolution of conflict: adversaries giving the gift of listening. To help reconcile conflicting parties, we must have the ability to understand the suffering of both sides. We learn to listen with our “spiritual ear,” to discern and acknowledge the partial truth in everyone, particularly those with whom we disagree. We learn to put aside our own positions while we listen, and to stretch our capacity to be present to another’s pain and rehumanize the "other." When we listen with a full and open heart, fear and defensiveness melt. Both listener and speaker are able to go beneath their positions and defensiveness to discover the universal needs and feelings beneath the narrative. At this level we are able to build a bridge of heart-connection between people in conflict. Compassionate Listening was developed by Gene Knudsen Hoffman, an international peacemaker and co-founder of the Fellowship of Reconciliation’s US/USSR Reconciliation initiative. Gene wrote, “Some time ago I recognized that terrorists were people who had grievances, who thought their grievances would never be heard, and certainly never addressed. Later I saw that all parties to every conflict were wounded, and at the heart of every act of violence is an unhealed wound.” In her role as a counselor, Gene recognized that non-judgmental listening was a great healing process in itself. Compassionate Listening requires questions which are non-adversarial and listening which is non-judgmental. Listeners seek the truth of the person questioned, seeing through “masks of hostility and fear to the sacredness of the individual.” Inquiry In the process of Compassionate Listening, listeners use inquiry in a healing way, with the intent and purpose of helping speakers go deeper in their own understanding and awareness. The questions are framed to help move people out of a stuck place by offering a broader perspective, giving a sense of hope and purpose, and calling upon the best in people. They can imply the possibility for positive outcomes by guiding people to recall past success, explore possibility, strengthen motivation, and clear distorted perceptions. Be aware of the impact certain kinds of questions will have on the speaker because questions can be a way of interrupting the flow. When you do ask a question, be clear on the intention of the question before asking it. Open inquiry examples:
Ask questions that:
Questions are not for:
Compassionate Listening can cut through barriers of defense and mistrust, enabling both those listened to and those listening to hear what they think, to change their opinions, and to make more informed decisions. Through this process, fear can be reduced, and participants will be better equipped to discern how to proceed with effective action. This article is based on resources available from the Compassionate Listening Project.
©2006 Fellowship of Reconciliation
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Nonviolence in Daily Practice: